3 years ago I lived in Garland, Texas.
1 year and a half ago I lived at Pepperdine.
1 year ago I didn’t live anywhere for two months.
10 months ago I lived in Buenos Aires, Argentina.
6 months ago I lived with my parents in Malibu, California.
Now I live in my own house on Pt. Dume in Malibu.

Things are beginning to get sort of confusing.

I hate it when I take a big gulp of water and I haven’t swallowed it yet, and then someone says hi to me. I can’t say hi back or even smile and by the time I swallow the allotted time for replying has passed. Then I say hi back and they always look confused. I come off as rude because I have poor timing.

About a year ago Hunter and I were in Florence sitting in front of the Duomo on our first night in the city. We had just walked from the train station to our hostel and I had/have never seen so many beautiful girls in one place, ever. Not wanting to waste one of our nights, even though it was late, we were determined to go out somewhere. We got some suggestions from the owner and he sent us to an area full of international students, to a little over-priced bar in front of that beautiful cathedral.

We sat down in the corner for some people watching. We were right in the thick of our traveling and we were exhausted from out train ride, so we were just sitting, even though there was a table of six or seven girls sitting next to us. After about 10 minutes a 23-27ish looking guy walked up to the 17-20ish looking girls. I both respected and pitied him for having the fortitude to take on the whole group with, “Hey, what’s up?”

The girls did that thing that groups of girls do, where they take an instant mental vote just by looking at each other. They silently voted that they weren’t really interested but would humor him anyways and one of the girls starting talking to him. He told them he was in the Air Force which, wasn’t a surprise as he looked exactly like Tom Cruise in Top Gun, except for the hair and confidence. So that left the jacket, white tee, aviators and a swagger that looked out of place without the 1980s to back him up. Conversation goes on, guy is struggling, Hunter and I are quietly enjoying the show.

That’s when Army Guy shows up. Army Guy, buzz cut and all, rushes up to the table with a concerned look on his face. Turns out he is looking for Pub Crawl Guy and he needs to find Pub Crawl Guy so he can get wasted and have fun tonight. Air Force guy is clearly sneering at “low-class” Army Guy and looking around at the girls trying to find someone who agrees.

Army Guy, having used up his opener, transitions roughly into, “So what are you girls doing tonight?” Turns out Army Guy doubled as Pub Crawl Guy. Or maybe he was just ready to pretend to be Pub Crawl Guy if it seemed to be working out. Since Air Force Guy had already staked out the table, Army Guy couldn’t get any traction going.

For the half hour Army Guy and Air Force Guy take turns going at the girls, who say very little but laugh and have telepathic conversations in their heads. Army Guy is hitting on anything that moves, while Air Force Guy seemed to have decided to dig in and go for this group or none at all.
Air Force Guy gets up to get another drink, abandoning his stakeout at a crucial moment when Army Guy was hitting on someone else. In the two minutes it took Air Force Guy to return, three average looking Italian guys walk up, say a few things in broken English, (which for the record tends to be way more successful than competent English) and all the girls, laughing and smiling the telepathic opinion of “Jackpot!” follow the Italian guys out of the patio and into the street where they take pictures for five minutes before they leave. It was just enough time for the Allies to notice they had been bested by the Axis before the girls disappeared around the corner.

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